If Everyone's a Critic, Then No One Is

           I recently saw the mega-blockbuster crowd-pleaser The Avengers. I found myself the one quiet person in a room full of cheers and applause. I could give you a whole list of reasons that the film did not inspire in me the joy that everyone else shared, but I won’t.

Why?

Two reasons:

First, because it wouldn’t matter. The Avengers has already made a ton of money and is in the process of making its second ton.

And second, my blog is not about reviews. There are ten thousand other sites you can visit for reviews. Nearly all of the reviews for The Avengers have been positive (although some, like Roger Ebert’s, are positive if lukewarm), but this hardly matters anymore.

Why doesn’t it matter, you ask?

Because no one listens to critics.

We (Heart) Bad Movies

It doesn’t happen in any other art form. You don’t see a group of people getting together and having a blast listening to bad music. People don’t line up outside museums to point and laugh at some awful painting. But we do it with films.

A few years ago at a friend’s stag party, we were refused entrance at a strip club because a member of our group was underage. So, what did we do? We bought a lot of beer, went to someone’s apartment and watched Masters of the Universe.

A good time was had by all.

Maybe it’s our rebellious nature. Anyone can extol the virtues of Citizen Kane or The Godfather. But, it takes a special person to love something like Robot Monster or The Brute Man.

It can’t be just any bad movie, either. A film featuring beautiful women, wooden acting and a thoroughly unconvincing rubber monster will inspire love and enjoyment in the hearts of a bad movie lover, while an over-blown and under-thought mega-blockbuster like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will make us ill.

To Prequel or Not to Prequel?

            There come a time in every geek’s life when he must confront that which is unpleasant. I refer here to the almost universally reviled yet highly profitable Star Wars prequels. No other film series causes this much derision. Sure, we film buffs are accustomed to inferior sequels, but our usual response is to either ignore them or shrug and say, “Yeah, but the first one (or two) was good.” But not with the Star Wars prequels. No, with these, we become angry toddlers, our faces turning purple with rage and our vocabulary becoming liberally sprinkled with language that would make a sailor blush.

            But why? Why does this one hurt so much?

            I can’t answer for all geeks, but I can tell you my story.

How "Duck Soup" Changed My Life

I’m not one to overstate the importance of things, so believe me when I say that Duck Soup changed my life. For some, a great life-changing moment occurs when they first laid eyes on their spouse, or when their children were born, not me.

                For me, it was watching four middle-aged Jews act like fools in a movie that was nearly as old as my grandmother.

                Allow me to set the scene:

                I was a youngster of about ten or so, visiting my father over Christmas vacation. He was living in this lovely condo up in North Carolina. That year, Christmas was all about Ninja Turtles (I got the sewer playset that year and if you don’t know how friggin’ awesome that was, I pity you).

                My father had been doing a Groucho impression for a while, the stooped walk, pantomiming a cigar, saying, “That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever hoid.” (Not “heard” but “hoid,” my father’s attempt at Groucho’s voice.) It always made me laugh when he did it, even though I had no idea who or what it was supposed to be.